World is changing

Apni marzi se kahan apne safar ke hum hain,

Rukh hawaon ka jidhar ka tha, udhar ke hum hain,

Pehle harr cheez thi apni, magar ab lagta hain,

Apne hi ghar main, kisi dusre ghar ke hum hain

This ghazal is so relevant for me at this point of time. Thanks to Jagjit Singh for singing this for me at odd hours at night …

I want to make the world a better place… Err… I am talking about my very own personal world… so many sleepless nights have passed and I am still not at peace. I am doing things which I don’t intend to, I am walking the paths which lead me somewhere; I don’t know where. I keep forgetting things but remember the ones which have pinched me hard in life. It gives me a lot of exasperation and fright. My mind is in lot of indecision right now.

Ranj aur dard ki basti ka main baashinda hun

Yeh to buss main hun ki iss haal main zinda hun

Khwaab woh dekhta hun jiss par main sharminda hun

Some times I just wish God would have invented some medicine, which I could just gulp once and it can erase all the bad memories from my past. It would make you recall only the good reminiscences; I would be more cheerful and less worried then. At least, I would be able to live my present. I will not have to lose sleep on lost love, awful accidents, heartbreaking demises, professional dissatisfactions blah blah blah

But not everything is in our control; only our life is. No one can snatch it from you till you voluntarily give it to someone or let others control you… If I can learn and adapt this, I guess this is what would make me strong and determined… I think of ways to control my life… I think of living my life again to the fullest; with my old forgotten buddies, with my family, with the people who care for me.

I will survive. My world will change.

Ways of kissing

Time: 2 a.m.

Date: 10^th March, 2003

Ever had a 4 hour discussion on types of kisses? I am sure nobody has this faltoo time to talk about this…. But this was long back, back during my engineering days… anything and everything was discussed then… there was nothing stopping us… But I would limit my blog to few interesting and innovative kisses that were fashioned by six of us sitting in my hostel room C -204, DA-IICT, Gandhinagar, Gujarat. I would like to introduce my group to you; Ghuttu, Halwai, Lapa, Gujju, Dennis and Dick (original names have been hidden, because I am not permitted to)

Ghuttu,”Yaar, I am so bored with my life; there is nothing exciting happening”

Halwai (little tensed),”We have our internal exams starting from next week … We all have a lot to study... Shit”

Dennis (cribbing as usual),”Kitna padhega Halwai, padhai main kuch nahi rakha hai”

Ghuttu (with over flowing confidence),”Sahi keh raha hai dennis. After all, jo nahi padhte hain, woh life ke end main kuch na kuch ban hi jaate hain“

Gujju (patting on Ghuttu’s back),”Wah! Wah!, kya baat kahi hai”

Lapa (in silent anger), “It has become our daily routine. The whole day goes by without doing anything and at night we sit together like this talking nonsense. Let’s at least buy the books and tear them into 6 parts each so that we are well-prepared for our exams”

Halwai,”Chalo, at least two of us have started thinking about it”

Dick,”There are some movies on the LAN. I think we should watch it this week itself. We won’t be getting time next week because of exams”

Dennis (pressing his palms together in eagerness),” What all movies are there?”

Dick,” SHALL WE KISS, REMEMBER THE TITANS, OLD SCHOOL”

Ghuttu (with eyes lit up),” I think we should watch SHALL WE KISS … naam se mast lag rahi hai J “

Gujju,” I heard it’s in French… we won’t understand a word. Someone arrange for subtitles please”

Halwai,” I’ll take care of that”

Ghuttu,”Anyway, I am so frustrated that I can watch any damn movie. Come on guys, it’s a French movie… and French women are beautiful. Movie will surely have some intimate scenes… Time pass to ho hi jayega”

After this initial discussion for half an hour, entire setup was made… Copying the movie to local system, downloading the subtitles, arranging the speakers at proper place to provide enough sound boost (especially intimate scenes need full sound), some local namkeens and positions of bed changed to enable a better view of the movie.

Movie started… Half an hour passed. No whereabouts of even a single loving scene. Frustration was creeping on the faces of each one of us.

Ghuttu (looking here and there),” Arey yaar, itni der ho gayi hai, ek kiss to kar do… @#$#*$% what a pathetic movie… I have better ideas on kissing than this…. Chhhhaaaaaaa (in disgust)”

Lapa (with interest) ,” Accha, what all better ideas do you have? Looks like someone has a lot of experience doing all this stuff”

Ghuttu,” Dare you question my imagination, Lapa. Actually this reminds me one of my favorite WOULD-DO kiss”

Dick,” What is it? We get to learn from each other. What is better than a discussing and learning things? :)”

Ghuttu,” I call it a THIRST QUENCHER KISS. For no reason, you stare at your love’s mouth while licking your lips as though you are dying of thirst. Inevitably, your love will ask what you are doing. Then you answer: I want them, I have to have them! I yearn to drink from them. Then ask for a kiss to quench your thirst”

Gujju,” This shows how much frustration has crept in to you. I expected something similar coming from you. You know gals need something more romantic and warm.”

Dennis,” Yes, with a kiss, a gal should feel that she is loved and cared for. Just hold the love’s chin with your palm, smile and just deliver a sweet kiss on her lips. I call it a PALM KISS.”

Halwai,” There is one famous Greek herb, called THYME which makes one irresistible kissable J Mix this herb in your love’s meal. Moments after the first bite, rush to your love’s lips with a passionate kiss. Come up for air, announce that the Greeks were right, and then rush back with another passionate kiss…. Hehe… I call it a THYMELY KISS”

Gujju,” Wow!! Now that was something. I would rather like to surprise my love and give her a riddle…. The RIDDLE KISS. Just imagine asking your love to solve the following riddle:

I am just two and two
I am warm, I am cold,
I am lawful, unlawful
A duty, a fault
I am often sold dear,
Good for nothing when bought;
an extraordinary boon,
and a matter of course,
and yielding with pleasure
When taken by force.

If she is able to solve it, then ask for a demo. If she cannot show the answer then the answer is a kiss… Aapki paancho ungliyan ghee main rahengi boss“

Ghuttu (whispering to Dennis), “Aise riddle dega to woh pakka so jayegi… hahahaha” We all laugh.

Lapa (with eyes closed and with wish-she-would-be-here look), “It’s a different feeling when you kiss in the rain. Raj Kapoor and Nutan style holding the umbrella and singing the song… If the spirit of kiss moves you, remove the umbrella and kiss till both of lovers are soaked… KISS IN THE RAIN “

Dick, “By Jove, are you all in love? Or it is just out of frustration? If the gals of our batch come to know of all this, they would just go crazy meeting you guys (rolling on the floor). Can you guys believe, we have been discussing this since last 2 hours because I forgot to stop the movie and it kept on going? It was a long one, just like our discussion… Good job guys!!!! Cheers!!!”

Ghuttu,” I think we should have more and more of these… I would like to get deeper into what-a-gal-wants type of stuff. Dick, thanks for bringing this movie”

Finally, we all got up from the bed and went out for an early morning tea.

Self healing process of God

Our life is surrounded by problems … Some problems take a heavy toll on our lives in a very short span; some problems seem to be never ending. They keep running after you just like our shadows till you find out ways to resolve them. Par apni parchai se bhagne ka raasta banaya hai Bhagwaan ne? I wonder why we have problems in life. Who creates it for us? Are we self- responsible for it or is it associated with the surroundings, environment and people around us? The answer to this is not yet known to me. This blog would be another effort to find this out.

Everyone is different in their own ways; different perceptions/opinions about the same thing; different lifestyles in the same world; different behavior at the same moment and at the same time. God has his own ways of creating people. After his creation, he has left the entire onus on us to deal with each other till we are alive; some people are not left in the discussions even after they are dead. Don’t you think God should have left us with some Self – healing process to cure it? He is quite intelligent and foresighted; he must have left some hidden treasure somewhere for sure. All we have to do is to search for it.

We actually have our own ways of creating problems. Isn’t it? With my experience with different genders, the love/ hate relationships have had a similar problem patterns. They all start with great promises, enduring care and end up in hatred for their partner when they leave. In recent years, I seem to have developed a capability to understand people better. I have become mature in handling people and their tribulations. People feel better in approaching me with their problems and sharing their concerns to me more often now. I won’t say that I enjoy doing it or I am being boastful but it gives me satisfaction in helping my friends who are in need to some morale boost and motivating lectures. My friends say that you have to be in a relationship in order to empathize. And then…. what after that? Update my personal details on orkut “From Past relationships I have learned”? Not that I am against love but may be I am too skeptical about it. Leave it; this is not about me right now.

I remember my friend sending me a quote from Bible verse from 1 Corinthians 13, “Love is patient and kind; love is not jealous or boastful; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not envy. It is not proud. It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it keeps no record of wrongs. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves, never gives up, and never loses faith.” There is so much said and so much unsaid here which we individuals need to realize. Finding few of my friends in not-so-romantic state in their lives; I try to apply my findings of the above quote to their circumstances. Each and every word said by Jesus Christ is right and every bit to it if applied to our lives can solve all the problems.

We lose our patience if our ego hurts or our expectations are not met by our partner… and kindness obviously goes into the drain after that. Considering our partner, the best amongst others in this world, we can’t leave our over possessiveness and insecurity over them. We can talk a lot about trust, faith, love; hopes with our partner sitting with him/her but what else are you thinking when you are saying that? Is whatever you are saying, truly coming from your heart or is there something else which is bothering you when you make such statements?

Before this problem eats us up, can we bring a change in ourselves to muddle through it? Can we change for a person totally whom we love? It’s very difficult but it’s not impossible. If both lovers change for each other, won’t this world be a happier place? Won’t this relationship last forever? Can we stop hating our partner who leaves us and goes away? Can we become selfless once in our lives? Remember, we have only one life to do it; why not start now?

God has given each one of us a self-healing process which we can use for our own good. Life is too short to hate anyone. Every time you push yourself to blame your partner for what all wrong happened, you end up thinking more about them.

Marne ke baad bhi meri aankhen khuli rahi

Aadat padi thi inhe intezaar ki

Jab se tumhe bhulane ki kasam khayi hai

Aur pehle se bhi jyaada teri yaad aayi hai

She is the One

Someone said it right; a dream is something which doesn't let you sleep. It pushes your imaginations to think positively and whole heartedly. Especially, while dreaming of someone with whom you would like to spend the rest of your life.

It happened with me last night, where I felt my heart beating heavily only to realize that I was standing, waiting for someone in a social park. I was wearing a formal white shirt with khaki trousers I was seeing the world around me with closed eyes and open arms deep in my sleep. I could people celebrating with their family; sitting, talking and eating with beautiful smiles on their faces. The entire surrounding was green, with a fresh smell that the rain brings with itself. I could see my parents standing some distance from me talking to new faces who had just come to meet our family.

But I stood at the same place, watching them do all that; slightly confused thinking about what I would be saying to the gal whom I am going to meet very soon. How would my dream gal look like? I had many ideas to make an opening statement in front of her but couldn’t finalize on which one to choose. Should I introduce myself first and tell the best moments of my existence since 25 years or should I ask her to tell about herself since her existence (don’t know since when)? Will I be able to look straight into her eyes and talk to her casually? Why don’t I have a questionnaire in my mind already? Do you know cooking (Nooooooo, I should not ask this)? What would be her first reaction when she sees me? Will I be able to smile at her and will she reciprocate? After all, it would be a matter of our whole life together, what all questions will she have in her mind to ask me?

I was really thinking hard and giving answers to those unasked, unprepared questions by myself …. I had to think of something impressive and positive in a short span of time… I took a deep breath, looked up (to God, to sky, to people beyond it) and set myself for it. My parents looked at me and smiled. They have the most wonderful smile which brings so much confidence, assurance and support with itself that I felt elated. The confidence “Beta, this will be new beginning and a new phase in your life. Enjoy it as much as possible”. The assurance “Beta, we will not force you for anything. We want the best for you”. The support “Beta, we are there to guide you for what you do in life with our experiences and see you growing” is enough at times.

I saw her entering and come towards me from a distance. She was wearing a pink saree with a mix of different colors on various parts of the saree. It looked wonderful. Some of the questions were getting framed and numbered in my mind with her first glance. The start looked good to me. But wasn’t I rushing up this? C’mon, she hasn’t seen me completely and neither have I. Neither imaginations nor fantasies know any boundaries. I still stood there with the unending smile on my face which has saved me from tougher times I have faced in life.

“When you don’t know anything, you just smile. It leaves the other person in suspicion about you” I like it actually but appreciate it if taken positively.

My dreams have an uncanny habit of jumping into conclusions too quickly. Suddenly, I see myself sitting with her on the bench far away from everyone. This might be the time for both of us to open up and get to know each other. Just like bollywood movies, our clothing changed. She was now wearing a yellow-green saree and I was wearing a formal light blue shirt and black trousers. No feel-good song had been sung till now as we were yet to start talking.

I looked at her face and tried to make some personal conclusions about her looks. She had a pretty clean face and expressive eyes but looking down at that very moment. I assume that she would have looked at me when my eyes went down and she would have made some personal conclusions as well.

I initiated the conversation asking, “Are you nervous?”

She said, “Little bit and you?”

I said, “Smile and you will feel better. That’s what even I am doing right now”

She smiled and thanked me for the gesture. Puff!!! That was a safe opening.

Our conversation continued asking about our families, aspirations, lifestyles, religion. The questions were intermingled with some funny anecdotes that we shared; some situations where we felt paranoid; some futuristic plans where we both could fit ourselves. We both felt really relaxed after these early 20 minutes. We could sense our chemistry clicking and hopes rising.

I wanted to tell her that I love her smile and her blue eyes but kept it to myself. I wanted to tell her that I am feeling really positive about us together but didn’t say it. She asked me, “Do you want to say something?”

With a how-do-you-know look, I said,” Nope and you?” and smiled.

She said, “Yes, it is very nice talking to you”

I said “Same here. Would you like to talk to me again?” Now where did that come from?

She looked at me and her eyelids closed and opened up. I understood.

We started walking back to our parents (this is a third part of the dream, because everyone had reappeared once again). She went to her parents and I went to mine.

Papa said to her father,”Accha Saa, namaste. Bahut accha laga aapse milkar”. All formalities done and exchanged, we returned home.

But I was still lost in her thoughts. I was recalling what all we talked about, how was she looking (yes, boys think that from time to time), how was she smiling etc.

Mummy came to my room and asked me,” Beta, kaisi lagi?”

I didn’t happen to have heard her question I guess.

Love is when you can’t pay attention because you get too busy in writing her first name with your last.

She shook me and asked the same question again. This time I stood up, hugged her and whispered in her ears,” Mummy, she is the one.”